


find yourself without me

by driedvoices



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-13
Updated: 2012-05-13
Packaged: 2017-11-05 07:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driedvoices/pseuds/driedvoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for psocoptera of livejournal. Azula is uncooperative; Zuko calls in reinforcements.</p>
            </blockquote>





	find yourself without me

Iroh stares at her with disdain and pity: at her bitten-down fingernails that were once claws; at her matted, uneven hair; at her pale, blemished skin. But mostly he stares at the shallow defeat in her eyes, hollow behind the gold.

"So, my niece," he says, with regret and just as much disappointment, "you have chosen destruction."

"No," she says, and even her voice carries the stale echo of imprisonment. "You have destroyed me," and Iroh is very glad that she is a caged beast now.

- 

"Do you see now, Uncle?" Zuko fumes, now that they are safe inside the gilded doors of his study. "I can't—" He stops himself quickly; he has realized early on that _can't_ is not a word in the Fire Lord's vocabulary, it is tossed aside with such notions as _dissent_ and _free speech_. (It is his job to shatter tradition, he knows this, but the old habits still prove hard to break.) "There's nothing to be done with her," he says finally, crumpling in his chair. He rubs his temples, and Iroh thinks how he has gotten so much older in so few moments.

"Perhaps," he says thoughtfully, scratching at where his white beard springs from his chin, "we do nothing at all."

Zuko gives a short, distinctive bark of laughter, the one that all of his blood duplicate perfectly. "And leave her to rot? Here, I was thinking you were the humane one." He throws up his hand as if to strike the air, but brings it down sharply, having found no distraction. "She's my sister," he says quietly. "I cannot murder my family. It's what _he_ would have done." His eyes are raised to the ceiling, and he inhales a shaky breath. "I will not become that." It's obvious that this mantra has been repeated many times before.

Iroh lifts a steaming cup of tea off the tray to his side and sets it down in front of his nephew. "I may have phrased that in the wrong way. What I mean to say is that she may be too—accustomed to our brand of cruelty." Zuko's head perks up in interest. "That is to say, a coarser persuasion might bring us more results?"

"Yes," Zuko murmurs, something very near a smile curling around the rim of his cup, "yes."

-

"Forget it, Sparky," she says. The nickname slides off her tongue easily, but it doesn't stop the guards behind her from flinching. She notices and smiles.

"You're an Earth Kingdom ambassador and one of my most trusted advisors, and I'm asking for your assistance," he nags, more than a hint of familiar affection in his voice.

"No, Zuko, you are not asking for my assistance. You're looking for someone to pawn your messed-up family on, _again_ , because you think your daddy issues make dealing with them beneath you, or something."

"Toph," he says quietly, watching her pick at her fingernails furiously, "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think I needed your help—"

"Or you were too lazy to figure it out yourself?" Toph shoots back. "Gee, Princess, all that power hasn't gone to your head at all."

"Would you rather it was Azula?" he asks, not unkindly. Toph is silent, and compensates for her speechlessness by sitting down harshly in one of his too-lush chairs, pushing her hair out of her face to reveal her sullen expression.

"So," he says without meeting her eyes, "Sokka and Suki, huh?"

"He _married_ her," she says, even now with disbelief, and her voice cracks slightly. Zuko is in awe of the vulnerability he sees in her face, but at the same time, he hopes she can learn when to keep it in check.

"I know. A week ago, right?" Toph nods, her head tilted down. "Shit," he says, and the rare burst of profanity brings an unwilling smile to Toph's lips. "Do you want a drink?" he asks awkwardly, and she laughs, though there is no humor in it.

"I might as well," she says, eyes closed. "I guess I'll need it, won't I? That sister of yours isn't exactly a walk in the park."

"So you're going to help?"

"Don't sound so excited," she says, "I'm a very important person now. All your family honor mania is catching, I suppose."

"It happens," Zuko agrees. "I like your hair pushed back like that, you know. You can see your face better."

"Yeah," Toph says quietly. "Got tired of hiding."

Zuko pours the wine.

-

The cell is wet and damp underneath Toph's feet, and the smell of fermented piss is so strong that she gasps and covers her mouth. Azula gives a wicked choke of laughter without looking up. Toph does her best to hide the slight shiver that runs through her, even still (Stupid, she scolds herself, stupid frightened little girl). She regains her composure the best she can and lets herself be escorted closer by the guards on either side of her. She's still not quite sure why she needs them, if Azula was really that well-contained, but she has two burly Firebenders with her while she interrogates a sociopath, and she is not one to take small things for granted.

The door squeaks terribly against the stone floor, and it makes Toph cringe. She doesn't move further into the room, though she can hear Azula's strained breathing and can place its exact location. Instead, she paces the perimeter, head bent low. "First class place you've got here," she says half-heartedly, that ridiculous tremor still plaguing her voice. She gives herself a good shake, willing her irrational fears to leave. "I can definitely see why you'd pick this over the palace." Better, but not much. She waits for the wasted body in the corner of the room to speak.

Azula says nothing. This surprises neither of them, Azula least of all. She has learned much from the new Fire Lord's tactics, mostly concerning this: if you speak back to them, they will only hit you harder. It really doesn't bother her so much as she's led everyone to believe. The sobs are real, of course; she will be the first to tell you that fire _does_ burn. But somehow, somewhere inside her head, she knew it would come to this, that is was only a matter of time until the screaming faces of impoverished filth came back to bite her in the ass. But Azula never expected to see the blind girl again. She obviously put too much faith in her father's army.

"...much easier for you if you just tell us _where Ursa is_ ," the girl is saying. Ursa. Azula giggles wickedly. No one needs Ursa anymore, except Zuko. ( _and you_ , her mother whispers warmly in her ear, _surely you didn't think you could ever be rid of me?_ Azula hisses and buries her head in her hands.)

Toph hears the princess' erratic movements and sighs. "I knew it would turn out like this," she says, not so much to the guards as to herself, "I knew she had lost it."

One of the guards snickers in agreement. "You should have seen her before, when they dragged her in-"

Azula growls. It only encourages the brutish Firebender, his face shadowed and anonymous behind his heavy helmet. "-crying and screaming like a little kid, yelling for her mother and the Firelord, _Zuko, stop them, help me, big brother_!" He chuckles. So does Azula. Then she cackles, throwing her head back and laughing, the rest of the cell silent around her, and the breath catches in her throat more than once before her head tilts back forward and the guards see the tears in her eyes, the otherwordly grin.

The cat strikes. It is almost beautiful, for a moment, when Azula lunges: her lips are parted and her eyes hardly open, hair blown back gracefully by an invisible wind, arms outstretched and there is a delicate tremor to her slender hands. Her prey, the guard, cowers in her wake; his co-worker is shocked and wide-eyed beside him, frantic and still. Then time starts again, and Azula's eyes bulge and the air is knocked out of her stomach in the form of a loud, winded cough, and she crumples to the floor. The mound of earth that blocked her path falls fluidly down with her, and Toph blows a strand of hair out of her face, still poised for attack. The guards let out shaky sighs of relief, darting glances between the Earthbender and the Fire Princess (the predator, the protector, but which is which?).

"Why are you just _standing_ there?" Toph says in exasperation. "Lock her back up." The guards move cautiously, as though the figure on the ground will snap up and bite them. She doesn't. Instead, she moans quietly, miserably clutching her stomach and trying to steady her breathing. She hisses a little when the guards grab her arms, but she allows herself to be hauled behind the bars, locked up tight. She clatters to her feet unceremoniously as Toph is being escorted out, making mad grab for the other girl's wrist. She catches an elbow instead, and the Firebenders turn around, snapping into a fighting stance. Toph waves them away and turns toward Azula, her head cocked to the side, listening. Azula's face is pressed against the bars, her breath seethes into Toph's ear when she speaks, sour and dry, running over cracked and blistered lips: "Only cowards insult dying majesty." Her hand clenches and unclenches around Toph's arm, willing the Earthbender to look her in the eye before she remembers that the other girl is blind.

"You're not dying," Toph says, calmly, as though a half-crazed woman weren't clasped onto her with no intention of letting go. "You're not dying," she repeats, "by anyone's standards but your own." Azula's fingers slacken, and she recoils, yellow eyes squinted. Toph pulls away.

Toph pauses as she steps through the door. "You are not as wise as you think you are," she says, and she walks beyond the barrier into the warmth of the sun.

-

Iroh sips his tea loudly, watching the Earth Kingdom girl blow on her own steaming cup. "It really does taste better when it's hot, you know," he intones, amused.

Toph scowls. "Not when it _burns_. I'm not even sure if I want to taste it at all."

"I am hurt, Lady Bei Fong. My tea is always drinkable, at the very least."

"Yes, well," Toph sighs, and falls silent. She dips her tongue tentatively into her cup, and smiles appreciatively back at Iroh ("Not too horrible?" he says, and she makes a face.)

"I need to know something," Toph says suddenly, and for a moment she almost fades away into the garden, like a rare flower or tree and Iroh cannot tell where the vegetation stops and she begins. "Why did you bring me here?"

"I don't think that is the question you really want to ask," Iroh says slowly, piecing his words together carefully.

"Right," Toph nods, "I should be asking—huh. Why _did_ I agree to come?" She bites her lip and appears to be lost in thought.

_Well_ , thinks Iroh, _if that worked for her_ , and on the whole he is mostly glad she didn't ask him to be more specific.

Toph opens her mouth to speak once more, but a more than audible yell of frustration echoes around the courtyard, and she is pretty sure that people outside the palace can hear it, too. The Fire Lord storms across the courtyard, shattering the near-silence Toph had reveled in. "What did you _do_?" he demands through gritted teeth.

"What are you talking about, Princess?" She is the epitome of calm.

"Azula! She stopped eating, she hasn't moved an inch in two days—"

"And?"

"And it's _your fault_ ," he says, and Toph could swear she smells smoke. She sighs and addresses Iroh as she climbs to her feet: "You know—" a pause to brush dirt off her dress, "—I really kind of hate your family." She matches Zuko's pace and heads for the dungeons.

-

"See?" Zuko says, gesturing wildly at the girl behind the bars.

"No," Toph replies bitterly, and signals the guard to bring her the keys. Azula stiffens as she hears the sound of metal against metal, the scraping turn, but she does not look up. Toph has no way of knowing this, of course, but she can't feel Azula moving, and she could hear the other girl's erratic breathing a mile away. "So," she says, walking right in front of the broken princess, "why haven't you eaten?" Azula says nothing. This is regrettable, as Toph is really in no mood. She sighs. "I _said_ ," she repeats, drawing great piles of earth around her, twisting them around her arms and hands, "why haven't you been eating?" She presses her stone-covered hand against Azula's throat, pulls her up, scraping her back against the wall the whole way through. Azula coughs and sputters, pulling at Toph's fingers. Toph pushes harder.

"Lost my appetite," Azula snaps, and her voice is so dry and strained that it hurts Toph's ears.

"Where is Ursa?" Toph asks, quieter now, so that Zuko won't hear. Azula laughs. " _Where is she_?" Toph hisses, and Azula spits in her face. Toph hears Zuko walking quickly to her aid. "Don't come in here," she says, tilting her head in his direction.

Zuko freezes. "Toph—" he starts.

"I can handle her," Toph says, and Zuko believes her.

Azula scoffs. "Zuzu..." she singsongs, and her eyes regain a hint of a gleam at rediscovering her once favorite past-time. "Do you really want her _handling_ your baby sister?"

Toph stiffens. "Zuko," she says warningly, "Stay back there." Toph can feel the tremor in him, like it always has been. The something about his sister that scares him out of his wits. Azula turns to face Toph, full of glee: "You see, Zuko always thought he was the only one who could handle me."

"'Zula," he says softly, and his hands start to shake.

"Zuko," and now Toph is authoritative and cold, uncaring. "Get out. Now."

"Right," Zuko says and swallows hard. ("But he doesn't want to," Azula murmurs, and Toph's fist connects with her ribs.) His steps quicken to a run as he passes the startled guards on either side of the door.

"You shouldn't have done that," Toph observes as Azula writhes under her grip. "Why don't you make this easier on yourself? You know where she is."

( _of course you do_ , Ursa says invitingly, _tell her i'm right here, i always have been_.)

"Shut up, shut _up_ ," Azula whisper-screams, and Toph knows she isn't talking to anyone in the room. Toph tilts her head to say something just as Azula twists her legs, and any sympathies Toph had been willing to admit vanish.

"You're nauseating," she says, turning away from the putrid stench that Azula carries around defiantly, "I know better than to think they won't let you _bathe_." The other girl draws back, fully intending on spitting again, but Toph releases her neck, and Azula falls to her knees. She touches the red welts above her collarbone gingerly, outraged at how delicate her skin had become in captivity. There will be bruises tomorrow. She lays her hands palm down on the ground, steadying herself, when she finds that she isn't the one shaking. Her eyes travel slowly up the body of the Earthbender, lingering in places she scolds herself for, until they reach her outstretched hands, and her wrinkled brow, wrought with concentration. The floor around Azula shudders until it gives out completely with a deafening crack, and the little princess falls down, down, down, into the heat that awaits her, has awaited her for so long.

Toph stares down into the hole she had created. "One good thing about the Fire Nation," she says sagely to the top of Azula's dripping head, "hot springs."

Azula almost wishes she had fallen straight through to the other side as the hot water seeps into her skin.

-

Toph is disappointed to find that Azula has maintained her iron will in prison.

"Take your clothes off," she says threateningly, "or I'll call the guards to do it for you." Azula crosses her arms in front of her chest, like a child. Toph sighs. "It's not like I can _see_ anything."

"This isn't modesty, Earth Kingdom trash."

Toph grits her teeth. "Even a personal guest of the _Fire Lord_ ," she mutters to herself, "Well, if you want something done right..." And with that, she pulls off the top layer of her clothing, which consists of an overly ornamental dress that she isn't too sad to part with, to be perfectly honest. (She may also step on it a few times for good measure, but it would be impossible to tell.) She carefully dips a foot into the water, and gives a satisfied hiss as she slips into it.

The white shift she wears underneath is tight. It stops somewhere above her knees. It does not pool out around her as she slides into the hot water. Azula does not watch her, because the Fire Lord does not give her enemies such dignity. (Or her concubines. Azula shakes her head.) Toph's hands tread water to the buttons and ties along Azula's back, undoing them clumsily. Azula tenses at the touch, and shivers when a ragged fingernail brushes her bare skin.

"That didn't hurt," Toph says, "Everyone in the Fire Nation is a pansy, I swear—aha." She pushes the last button out its rightful hole triumphantly, and slides the sleeves down Azula's arms.

"Why are you here?" the other girl asks, shivering at the air that hits her shoulders. Her voice is scratchy and dissonant with misuse. She clears her throat, hoping to remedy it. "Why aren't you with the Avatar and the rest?"

Toph is shocked. Not because Azula is speaking, but because of what she's speaking about. It almost sounds like small talk. She doesn't let her surprise register in her words. "The rest being...?"

"The Waterbender. The tribesman with the big ears."

Toph smiles sadly. "They went home. Aang went home. So I went home."

"The Avatar has no home in this world. The Air Nomads are dead." There is still cruelty in her voice, but not as much as there should have been.

"He has no home in _your_ world," Toph corrects her, and pours water down on Azula's head from within her cupped hands. Azula sputters when it hits her face. "The Air Nomads will return. Aang is the first of many."

"He is the last," Azula says passively, "What about the boy?" Toph is silent. "The Water Tribe boy. Did he stay with his sister?"

"No," Toph says quietly, "he is in Kyoshi. Turn around."

She obliges and Toph begins an assault behind her ears and down her neck. When she reaches Azula's jaw, she hesitates, and her touches are suddenly soft. Her fingers trail down Azula's forehead, her eyelids, and she can feel the rough calluses lingering on her sunken cheeks and chapped lips. "Huh," Toph murmurs.

" _What_?" Azula demands, immediately defensive.

"Nothing. It's just. You're pretty, aren't you?" She catches the princess off guard. Azula thinks about her mother's warm eyes and her round, soft face, and she says, "I should have been."

Toph opens her mouth to say something, but Azula cuts her off. "You cared for him, didn't you?"

"What?" Toph says.

"The tribesman. With the ears." Azula pauses to consider the other girl's expression. "The guards were talking about a celebration down in Kyoshi. A grand affair—a wedding. It wasn't yours, was it?"

Toph's mouth is hanging open slightly, sitting in stunned silence. Azula looks at those parted lips, how full they are, and she wonders if they taste sweet like they look. Firmly and unflinchingly, she presses her own lips against them, swallowing any words the Earthbender might have said.

"What was _that_?" Toph asks, chest heaving, when Azula pulls away. A shrug in response. "You looked like you wanted it. Needed it," Azula amends, and picks the dirt out of her fingernails.

"You're clean," Toph says faintly, and she pulls herself out of the water.

-

Azula lies on the ground, but she isn't sleeping.

She doesn't, most nights; just lies awake with her face pressed to the cold, sweet earth, and breathes. Tonight she hears footsteps. She is not afraid.

"I know you're not asleep," the Earthbender says, monotonous.

"No," Azula confirms, "I'm not."

"I need to ask you something. You have to answer me this time." Azula rolls over and stares up at the girl numbly. Toph shakes her head. "Come here," she commands.

When Azula's face is uncomfortably between the bars, Toph speaks. "You don't—you don't _know_ where your mother is, do you?" Azula backs away but Toph catches the front of her shirt, forcing her against the bars. "Please," she whispers, "just answer me."

( _yes_ , Ursa whispers, _tell her how you lost me and you'll never find me again, how you never believed your father was an evil man, not even after seeing everything he destroyed, how you didn't believe he was capable of keeping a secret from you, his favorite, his princess, his second-born_ \--)

"No," Azula cries softly, her forehead against the iron bar in front of her, "no no no no no." She slumps to the floor.

Toph watches her fall. Her face is stone, unreadable. When Azula's sobs have died down to a whimper, she presses both hands on the bars of Azula's cage, bending them slowly, quiet as she can. She kneels beside the fallen princess, putting cold, coarse hands on her face. "Hey," she murmurs, "hey, shut up for a minute." Azula looks up as Toph's hands trace over her face, finding her blistered lips and brushing them gently, before she leans in.

(Toph tastes like the cold, sweet earth. It is not something Azula should know, but she remembers it once a day, at least.)

"You needed that one," the younger girl says, and her sightless eyes smile as she leaves.

-

The lesser servants are forbidden from addressing Toph, but that doesn't stop them from talking about her. One of the cooks clucks her tongue disapprovingly when she sees the Earth Kingdom girl latch on to Zuko's arm after dinner. Two other scullery maids crane their necks to watch, a pile of dirty dishes in the sink beside them. A kitchen boy whistles while he peels potatoes, an old folk song from Omashu. The cook scowls, but jerks her head in the direction of the Fire Lord. The maids take this as permission to abandon their posts and they do so, running lightly, their footsteps making noise like rain on the stone floor. The boy keeps whistling.

" _What_?!" the Fire Lord yells, and it reverberates down the halls so sharply that the cook almost drops a knife. The kitchen boy tries to hide his snicker but fails, earning him a rude hand gesture from the cook as she starts on the night-time chores.

The scullery girls return after about a quarter of an hour, noticeably less giddy. "What'd you hear?" Both the cook and the boy want to know.

"Nothing _good_ ," replies the elder of the two, checking her reflection in a dish the cook has laid out to dry. "She asked Prin-- _Fire Lord_ Zuko, pardon me," she says as the cook sends her a glare of reproach, "she asked him for something and he started yelling, and then he caved in. Something about a prisoner of war, I guess."

"That or taxes," the smaller girl pipes up. "I bet it was taxes."

"All I know," the cook says wisely, "is that Fire Lord Azulon would roll in his grave to see a grandson of his running amuck with an Earth Kingdom girl."

"Let him roll," says one of the girls, while the kitchen boy replies, "Hush, you old bat."

The cook tuts meaningfully, but says no more.

-

Toph's visits are irregular, frequent but changing. Azula is a bit surprised to see her show up only a few hours after she had left the night before. Azula watches with a voyeuristic sort of pleasure as the girl shakes off the guards and orders them to return to the palace.

"But we can't, miss," one of them appeals to her. "We must only leave our posts if instructed by the Fi—"

"I," Toph says, and her voice rings loud and strong throughout the dank prison, "am Toph Bei Fong, ambassador of the Earth Kingdom and personal adviser to Fire Lord Zuko. I _think_ ," she adds with a glare, "that I know his intentions a little better than you do."

"Yes'm," the guard replies, and they hurry out of the cell.

Azula gives a slow, lazy clap. "Impressive," she murmurs.

"Shut it," Toph responds, and pushes the metal bars apart enough for her to slip inside. "I'm letting you out," she says, and Azula scoffs.

"I'm sure you are."

"I'm serious," Toph says, rifling through the folds and pockets of her dress, "I brought you clothes, and some money, and enough food to last you a trip to wherever—"

"You're insane," Azula says faintly. "If my brother finds out, you'll be executed."

"I have Zuko's permission," Toph pauses, allowing a slight grin to appear on her face, "but it might be bad publicity, so we're telling everyone that you died."

"Well," Azula says, and drops the subject.

"It's not like you can hurt anybody," Toph says, "I mean, no more than any other martial-arts trained girl. You can't firebend, you don't have the money for weapons---here, put this on." Azula obliges, and the smooth cotton of the dress is a familiar feeling.

"Where will I go?" Azula says, as though in a dream.

"Uh, I don't know. Wherever you want, I suppose." Toph cocks her head to the side and appears to be lost in thought. "Of course, there's only enough money in that pouch to get you to the Earth Kingdom. I thought it was your best bet, seeing as how you'd freeze to death in the Water Tribes and the Air Nomads are kind of. Well."

"Dead?" Azula supplies.

"Yeah. Anyway," Toph continues, "I'd stay away from the big cities. On the off chance that anyone recognizes you, you'll be arrested and probably sentenced to death."

"I'll start a rebellion," Azula says warningly, "I'll overthrow my brother."

"You won't," Toph says. "The people love Zuko, they won't be pitted against him. Anyone trying to plot something like that would be jailed. You would be executed." There is no emotion in her voice.

"Right," Azula swallows. "Where—where will you go?"

"Me?" Toph says uncomfortably. "I, uh. I have some business to attend to. I'm going to stay here a few more days and then I'm going to travel. I might catch up with Aang."

"I don't know anyone," Azula says softly, "Ty Lee is in Kyoshi, Mai is here; where will I stay? Who will I go to if I'm in trouble?"

Toph does not answer, just keeps piling supplies by her feet. The question hangs in the air.

"I think," Toph says, grabbing Azula's elbow and pulling her through the bars, "that I will be done before the fall sets in. My family has a nice vacation house, a little ways outside of Ba Sing Se. It's where I've been staying." They pause in front of the door, and Azula can feel the heat of the sun from outside. "I have to leave now," Toph says, "If anyone sees me here..."

"Go," Azula nods. Toph bites her lip uncertainly, but Azula gives her a little shove and she runs towards the palace.

"I will meet you in Ba Sing Se," Azula says. She stands on shaking legs. She has never been this close to freedom, not even inside the palace walls. Her eyes close briefly, and she takes a step. The princess is gone. Only a half-starved girl remains in her place, staring mesmerized at the bright, bright world around her.


End file.
